last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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