im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
