He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
