My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize