If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
