I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
