Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
