just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
