when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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