Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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