You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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