I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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