I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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