Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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