chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
