Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
