Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
