I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
