Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
