the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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