I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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