She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
