Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
