i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
