I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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