Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize