She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Randomize
