turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The best revenge is premature balding
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I came so hard my ears popped.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
