At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
