We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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