Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
