Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
