he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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