Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
