**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can feel your judgement through the phone
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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