O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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