I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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