I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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