Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
he fucked my hip out of place.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
