are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
