I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
