Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
