did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wakey wakey hands off snakey
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
