So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
