Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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