Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
