Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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