the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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