whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
