I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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