Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
