She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
