I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
