today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
