i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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