if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
