i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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