It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
