Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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