Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
MIDGETS
????
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The cops high fived after they tackled you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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