I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
