"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
